Dear Hannah

I just finished the show “13 Reasons Why” and it brought back a lot of sad, dark memories. So I felt it was necessary to reach out to all those Hannahs in this world that feel they don’t have anyone and are feeling like no matter what they do, they keep letting other people down. They start thinking how everyone’s lives would be better without them. And what does that feel like? It feels like nothing; like a deep, endless always blank nothing. And for those of you who will be looking for signs everywhere, what does it really look like? Here’s the scary thing; it looks like NOTHING. How do I know because I have been there. For a better part of my high school I felt like a waste of space. Like, I was not needed and that no one cared enough about me. I know it better than most that this is not a phase, because I still feel that way. I wanted to write this because there are more than enough assholes in the world judging kids for whatever flaws they have or whatever rumors they have heard. Here it is for all the fighters.

Dear Hannah,

I want you to know that no matter where ever you are and who ever you are; I am thinking about you, I am praying for you and even though I don’t know who you are. We might never be friend and I may never see you or cry with you or get drunk with you. But I love you. I hope that you escape this place that you are stuck in or find someone to share this with because there is nothing worst than being alone in that dark place. I’m sorry I can’t be there for you right now but If you ever feel like doing anything stupid, read this letter. And I hope that the world turns and that things get better for you, and that one day you realize that your existence matters a lot more than you can imagine at this point. Until then, keep fighting this war, and I know you will make me proud. I wish I could kiss you for making it this far. I LOVE YOU.

Your Friend,

Kamran xoxo 

In Our Bones

Take over the sunset.
Twist the autumn rain
Unbind these thoughts from all these knots.

I see you out there.
So go hide better.
I may come chase you even when you’re gone.

In absence of daylight
I play to the moon.
Over the horizon nothing ever appears.

Introverted on the outside,
it never makes sense.
Add in some laughs and a couple of beers.

There’s a fire lit somewhere
and it’s out of control.
Voices of reason beg mercy on me.

Dragons and nightmares
have lost my fascination.
I’ve moved on to what one really needs.

Obscure is the purpose.
Does anyone really know?
Are you old enough to be convinced you might know?

Such questions still worthless,
with answers so vague.
I’ll just put it off because its so hard to think.

Why are you breathing and why am I not?
Why has the purpose not felt fulfilled?
Does this mean that I have given up?
Who cares, its your torch now…..

Now go be better than me.

 

 

Hello darkness, My Old Friend

Hello darkness, my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again…

Darkness has a particularly apt feel about it for me right now. In terms of my life I feel like this is a dark period. A lot has changed since the start of 2016. Hell i’d go so far as to say a lot has changed since May. I’ve been enveloped by darkness over the last few weeks and it’s quite unclear if there is in fact a light to be found. It’s all been one giant upheaval; losing Annie been the biggest and most depressing of the bundle. That human size hole in my life feels like it’s a vacuum that’s sucking any joy or hope from me. Then there is find bigger and better things in a different place. It’s quite a scary notion to me.

But now I wanna change that because for the last 4 months have been horrible as well. The silence was the worst part. The silence of my own voice. I lost the ability to speak, yes, in a literal sense. I was so stressed out I couldn’t communicate in a manner that could be understood by others, so I have become isolated. I’ve gone over this so many times in my head since, but I’ve tried to stop the spiral before it takes me over the edge – hasn’t worked up so far but I am writing this time, so that is something to start with.

So instead of getting caught in a spiral, I am going to lose myself in a song this time….

Hello darkness, my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again…

Hello Franz

This is an extract from the book “Into the wild” by Jon Krakauer based on the life of Christopher McCandless who immediately after graduating from college in 1991 had given $25,000 in savings to charity, abandoned his car and most of his possessions, burned all the cash in his wallet, and invented a new life for himself. I was deeply moved by this letter that McCandless writes to Franz (an eighty year old man) whom he befriends while on his travels and I just HAD to blog this.

In early April a long letter arrived in Franz’s post-office box bearing a South Dakota postmark. “Hello Ron,” it says,

Alex here. I have been working up here in Carthage South Dakota for nearly two weeks now. I arrived up here three days after we parted in Grand Junction, Colorado. I hope that you made it back to Salton City without too many problems. I enjoy working here and things are going well. The weather is not very bad and many days are surprisingly mild. Some of the farmers are even already going out into their fields. It must be getting rather hot down there in Southern California by now. I wonder if you ever got a chance to get out and see how many people showed up for the March 20 Rainbow gathering there at the hot springs. It sounds like it might have been a lot of fun, but I don’t think you really understand these kind of people very well. I will not be here in South Dakota very much longer. My friend, Wayne, wants me to stay working at the grain elevator through May and then go combining with him the entire summer, but I have my soul set entirely on my Alaskan Odyssey and hope to be on my way no later than April 15. That means I will be leaving here before very long, so I need you to send any more mail I may have received to the return address listed below. Ron, I really enjoy all the help you have given me and the times that we spent together. I hope that you will not be too depressed by our parting. It may be a very long time before we see each other again. But providing that I get through this Alaskan Deal in one piece you will be hearing from me again in the future. I’d like to repeat the advice I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, Ron, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty. And so, Ron, in short, get out of Salton City and hit the Road. I guarantee you will be very glad you did. But I fear that you will ignore my advice. You think that I am stubborn, but you are even more stubborn than me. You had a wonderful chance on your drive back to see one of the greatest sights on earth, the Grand Canyon, something every American should see at least once in his life. But for some reason incomprehensible to me you wanted nothing but to bolt for home as quickly as possible, right back to the same situation which you see day after day after day. I fear you will follow this same inclination in the future and thus fail to discover all the wonderful things that God has placed around us to discover. Don’t settle down and sit in one place. Move around, be nomadic, make each day a new horizon. You are still going to live a long time, Ron, and it would be a shame if you did not take the opportunity to revolutionize your life and move into an entirely new realm of experience. You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living. My point is that you do not need me or anyone else around to bring this new kind of light in your life. It is simply waiting out there for you to grasp it, and all you have to do is reach for it. The only person you are fighting is yourself and your stubbornness to engage in new circumstances. Ron, I really hope that as soon as you can you will get out of Salton City, put a little camper on the back of your pickup, and start seeing some of the great work that God has done here in the American West. You will see things and meet people and there is much to learn from them. And you must do it economy style, no motels, do your own cooking, as a general rule spend as little as possible and you will enjoy it much more immensely. I hope that the next time I see you, you will be a new man with a vast array of new adventures and experiences behind you. Don’t hesitate or allow yourself to make excuses. Just get out and do it. Just get out and do it. You will be very, very glad that you did. TAKE CARE RON , ALEX

Hey Angel

HEY ANGEL

It is the STORY OF MY LIFE where I stay UP ALL NIGHT as EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU reminds me of everything that I WANT and I WISH. I WOULD do anything RIGHT NOW to SAVE YOU TONIGHT from all the horrid thoughts that CLOUD over you. People will say alot about us cause THEY DON’T KNOW ABOUT US and how we have been THROUGH THE DARK because its just in between YOU AND I. No matter how many times I run away from you I will always come BACK FOR YOU cause at the END OF THE DAY its GOTTA BE YOU. You are my DIANA cause all your LITTLE THINGS creates a MAGIC within me. So pause the MOMENTS cause this is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME thing and I hope it turns out to be SOMETHING GREAT and PERFECT. Please HAPPILY accept to go to prom with me and don’t say that you are TAKEN cause I’ve LOVED YOU FIRST and will always love you to INFINITY. Incase you have any change of plans please do go over this song , OVER AGAIN. Your yes could take us a LONG WAY DOWN and we could make some amazing HISTORY.

Love You, Goodbye

Ps: NOBODY COMPARES TO YOU and that’s WHAT MAKES YOU BEAUTIFUL

 

Stigma

I was reading a blog today titled “No One Brings Flowers When Your Brain Gets Sick” and I was like man could I agree. Mental illnesses are not something that people normally understand. Also with mental illness turning into some sort of a weird fashion statement where these morons think it is cool to have depression, anxiety or lack of self esteem (or saying everyone that you suffer from these). Trust me guys its not cool and I would give anything to be fine like you guys, I would love to hangout with my friends without worrying sudden anxiety attacks  and then worrying about them because they have no clue what to do next. Mental illnesses often go unnoticed, sometimes unnoticed by the people who have them (your’s truly included). In the past year I have come out multiple times about my struggles. I have conquered my fear of letting everyone know that I was once suicidal. I want to break the stigma of not talking about mental illness. There are some people who don’t understand, but want to understand how to help. I remember when I first told my Mom about what I was going through and all she told me was that she doesn’t understand what I was go through on a daily basis, but she is there for me to vent to, cry to, or talk to. Sometimes that’s all it takes is someone to say “I’m here. Let me help.”

Some people have said, “You’re on medicine does that not help?” No, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes the “happy pills” just make it to where one can function like a normal human being. It helps suppress some of those negative thoughts, and it helps suppress some of the anxious ticks that make life so hard. I still struggle with depression, and anxiety. In the last year things became more prominent.

Mental Illness is no laughing matter, you just don’t “get better” or “get over it.” This can follow you for the rest of of your life, and without a proper support system it can go untreated and could lead to bigger problems. To the people who told me to “just get over it” I’m sorry, I can’t and I am sorry if my mental illness is of any sort of inconvenience to you. I know that some mental illness can be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain and that can be helped but not all of those are that way. Modern medicine has come a long way and I’m happy to live in a country where people like me can get help. I’m glad that there are people out there wanting to break the silence of talking about mental illness.

Some of my darkest days are probably yet to happen, some of my darkest days are already behind me. I learned how to dance in the rain, and to walk among the thunderstorms. I’ve learned that even when I think that I’m alone, I’m not alone. I am not a stigma. I should never be.

 

Rebel, Rebel

A rebel she was
Other times docile
Mature and caring
But also childlike

He was a storm
Solemn and strong
Nothing grey in his world
Was either right or wrong

Their worlds clashed
Fell into parts
In the collision
They lost their hearts

They couldn’t be more different
One unlike the other
He cared too much about stuff
She didn’t even bother

He was strong peace
She, a delicate chaos
There laid an invisible line
That they dared not cross

She was the sunshine
brightly she shone
He was like the moon in a dark night
Tranquil and alone

It wasn’t possible
They couldn’t understand
Lil did they know
Universe had other plans

They found love
In each others soul
He completed her
She made him whole

Wandering Wonders

Your mind is so complex, so unique, so intricate, so individual, that of all the 7 billion people on this planet there exists only one you. One you with your likes, dislikes, interests, talents, dreams, hopes and fears.

What a thing to celebrate! And should we not celebrate every single day of our lives? We woke up today! We have been blessed with a brand new day of life. A day full of opportunities and joys and tiny gratitude. Moments of clarity, happiness and surprises. Moments of awareness, a reminder that we are here, and permission to just be. Just be here now and experience this crazy thing called life. Not something to be made complicated, not something to be analysed and figured out. Just a breath of life to be experienced and enjoyed.

We are beautiful, perfect beings. Created by the same consciousness that creates the nature we love to marvel at in absolute awe. The same consciousness which painted that picturesque night sky we gaze at, bewildered by the astounding depth and mystery it holds.

It doesn’t matter who you are, what you do, how you contribute to this planet, how you control your emotions. You were given life, a life. The same life every other living being on this planet was given. And in that sense we are all the same. We are all life. We are the universe. I am you and you are me. I am the trees. I am the birds. I am you looking back at me.

This life. This very life that we are experiencing, that we share with this planet, is the most precious and miraculous thing to ever happen. What more a miracle than life itself. And we have the utter most pleasure of experiencing it? Of simply just being?

There is so much beauty in every moment, in every breath. Within you lies a treasure, you are the most phenomenal instrument to be created. You get my drift? You are so beautiful. So lucky. This life is a celebration. Lets start remembering, lets be curious and find amazement in the smallest of things like were children again. Lets create without fear of judgement or mistakes. Lets laugh and love, without fear of rejection, without fear of the unknown.

Do what you love. Really. Because time is so short. We are having this human experience now and there is no time to waste. Please don’t let a catastrophe or a personal disaster or a life threat be what awakes you to the realization that you must live now.

Please do not worry.

Lets live like children and rekindle our complete trust in the world. A wholesome love for life, and anything that brings radiance to our heart. Create something, read a book, watch a movie which makes you feel something, have a deep conversation with someone you love, go outside and star gaze, spend time in nature, do whatever it is that brings light to your life. Do it without apology. Because you deserve it. This is your life and it is your birth right to be your authentic self.

Sometimes we need to be told this, and to remember what is really important. So just for today be mindful of this, and allow yourself to indulge in what ever you please. You have permission. Do it without guilt, without shame, and without a second thought.

Enjoy yourself.

Have a beautiful day.

Time to Pretend

Guilty,
Of letting
My thoughts
Occupy my heart
Without giving them
The attention
That they
Craved

Guilty,
Of chasing
Them away without ever
Even asking why they were here
So I could take pen to paper
With hand and
Help

Guilty,
Of missing
The feelings that
They had tried to share
While they squatted
With patience
Eagerly

Guilty,
Of denying
Hungry thoughts
A safe place within
My head to
Feed

Guilty,
Of not allowing
My mind to listen when
My heart just needed to speak
This is just the life
Of a Poets
Guilt

Soulmates

Soulmates are gems within the universe, you don’t necessarily go seeking them out, however when you find yours you hold them near and dear to your heart.

They are the people who come into our lives to help awaken different parts of us. So, that our souls can transcend to a higher level of consciousness and awareness.

People assume that you’re supposed to marry your soulmates, but sadly you’re not; Soulmates aren’t meant to stay in your life forever.

Think of meeting your Soulmates (I believe you can have more than one soulmates) as a stage in your life that you need to experience in order to move on to where you need to be. Once the lesson has been learned, it’s followed by physical separation and that’s OK! Not everyone you come across is meant to be in your life forever, However the time you’ve spent together will not go in vain, because you’ll always fall back on the lesson you should have learned.

I’m a strong believer in the universe sending you EXACTLY what you need without question.

Meaning, It’s not a “coincidence” or “by faith” how you met certain people. It’s predestined, only that person can teach you, guide you, and release things inside you that you didn’t even realize was there.

I say this because I formed very close friendship in recent times with a guy who I was not suppose to meet in the first place as neither of us were actually suppose to there, but somehow we did end up there and for better we ended up meeting and 5 months later we both are really close to each other that we can share anything and be sure it will be saved between us. I mean if it was not destiny, what was it.

Now, it’s important that you don’t mistake common life lessons with lessons that your soul needs (Not everyone you encounter is your Soulmate). I don’t know how to explain the feeling of finding your soulmate, Just know that it differs from Love, everything that felt forced and difficult in the past will feel light and easy, it’s an amazing feeling and even though you both won’t be together forever you’ll feel a sense of calmness. Your experience with this person will be unique and will NEVER be duplicated.

I’ve met my Soulmate, though we’re not together physically, we share a beautiful experience that I’ll always cherish, I have a part of her soul, vice verse.